Fuck, college is hard.

Well, no, not specifically.
It's what you make of it.
You come in ready to work, to read and learn and practice stuff, and you'll do fine. Keep caught up and you'll thrive. Yeah... except that's not what I've been doing.
I can't, just can't turn on that 'study' mindset. I can no longer just hear something, see it demonstrated, and then internalize it(speaking physics, math specifically). I don't know where that went; if it was a lack of practicing, or just the fact that the material was in fact getting harder, or most likely some combination of the two.
All I need to do is read. I need to catch up on Multi and Diffeq (missed a couple lectures, want to be back on track.) I want to reread what we've covered in physics, out of the book, to try to understand the theory behind it all better before there's too much to do that for. And I need to work on chem... I just can't stand doing chem work. Its interesting, because it's a science, and naturally can explain the workings of reactions and such exactly. I just get sick of doing the same calculations over and over, and can't stand memorizing all the little things, like whether a positive or negative sign means exothermic, and don't get me started on organics. Organic compounds is *all* about memorizing what they each are, ... not for me. I'd rather spend time deriving stuff. Example - Brian showed me how to use Euler's Theorem to derive half angle and double angle and trig addition formulae, and it's brilliant. Everything really is connected, you just need to find where to look.
That's the beauty of physics, and math to me. It's not just isolated logical arguments and equations that you plug stuff into and get answers. It's, all of it, connected, in a thousand different ways. You can learn a way to get from A to B. But then you learn how to go in ways besides in a straight line. And then you learn to go through C, and that C can take you to either A or B, and then after all that they teach you to jump between them, out of the dimension which held you so strongly (so you thought) before... The rules that give shape and form and function to everything that exists in the universe, it's possible to look at them, and manipulate and intertwine them, and learn something new. And when it works, it's all so elegant and efficient... Sure, there are things that are still beyond our explanation, but new ideas get formulated and thrown around every day. I can understand why those who seek a Unified Theory are so intent on their work... and why they are sure such a thing exists. It just feels natural. (This all only refers to that which is physical/ observable/detectable. I make no remarks towards the human or divine or metaphysical or psychic here.)
But so, back on track, my recent crashing.
It feels like I'm always playing catch-up. With every class. And yes, the classes are catalyzing this. But then i start to drift off into other thoughts... but avoiding doing that here. So I've said plenty already about not doing practice homework, or trying to just get by without reading, or the like. I feel it, I know it is in my power to fix everything. I just come up grasping and impotent - is that it? helpless.. yeah - against it when I try. And I can't blame anyone but myself; most recent example, this weekend until now. Came back from Saratoga Saturday, rush to dinner and band and back. That night, start doing physics notes. Got some done; made some connections, got my outline; it was good. Need physics and chem done for tuesday, multi and diffeq for wednesday. have a schedule, have two whole days off between now and then, good enough. But fuck, what the hell happened? Was up late Saturday, don't remember doing what, so Sunday woke up later that I'd like (why do we need to sleep, really? It's fucking inconvenient; I mean every bit of that when I say it. We get tired, we get sloppy, we lose the motivation to do stuff... and then we sleep, and oversleep, and/or wake up feeling unrested and go through the next day in a vague stupor, and then it just never ends. And yes, I realize I'm writing this as I stay up past 3 for the second (third? more?) night in a row. Fuck, again. That's the sentiment.)- anyway. Sunday woke up late, did stuff aimlessly for a bit, argh, got food, actually got work done in Commons (its the only place I've found so far I can concentrate and be productive. And of course I'm there, so I'm inclined to eat, which is not the best impulse), but so I left there hoping to just find a sunny spot and crash with a book and finish the physics. Didn't happen. Union was a bust, Quad was useless, by now it's some hellish hour. bleh. Well, not hellish, but more time got wasted. You can see how Sunday ended. Then Monday, slept till 1130, hoped to still salvage the day, and work the rest of it. But that fails, as I don't leave the room till nearly 4.
And speaking of, it's 330 now. {massive cursing] monday was suppsed to be the day with nothing to do, to get back on track with it all. that went to fucking hell. just from getting NOTHING done. four hours of work the whole day. It's useless! I get sidetracked, and distracted, and let myself talk to people. I can't block people out totally. Sure, if I don't know you, I can manage to be beastly to you for a bit. But, otherwise, that gets interfered with by the fact that I feel you deserve to be treated like a human being... gdamn humanistic whateverthehell. Though, I have been much closer lately to just telling people to just go away, that I just don't want to associate with anyone. Well, not even don't want to; can't afford to. Until I figure out how to actually do stuff, and not shit around about it, I don't trust myself to knowledgably get into some other conversation or what. And I'm breaking down in grammar now. and, yes, I realize the irony of me talking about wasting time on crap while I write this. This was only prompted because I just could not manage to concentrate on a damn thing tonight. Maybe the solution to rooming next year is to put in for a single. If i get a reasonable lottery number I will just do that. To be with Mike again is breaking even; same status quo, he's cool with Jay, we don't stay up to chat late or play games all the time or whatnot. But I get endlessly distracted, and can't learn to control that unless I run off. To be with Aaron, well, sure I get along with him and Lauren, and both of us are down with having Jay/Lauren over for the night; we'd find somewhere to run off to. But I know I woudl never get a thing done. I can't go there. And Jacob, well, I don't know how he would react to having Jay spend nights, but I most likely would be able to get work done; we stay up late and lose hours, but it's a different feeling than I get from the thought of rooming with Aaron. But, still, I don't quite trust myself. So I'm deciding now to go for the single, unless my chances are absolutely shot. in that case, well, we'll see what things happen by the end of this year. And, other goals for this term - whether or not I apply transfer to MIT next year I am placing wholly on my grades and classwork this term. So far, HAHAHAHAnofuckingway. I want to get everything up to (and hold) an A- at the least to apply. That does not look likely. details later in this, on topic. Just declaring that with the rest, though.

okay, NOW GOING. UPDATES LATER OR LONTANO. BYE.