SO much for the idea I would get a good 4 or 5 hours of studying in today.
'k, so im failing calc by my standards. Or i may as well be. mit isn't going to look at my transcript and see a 78 or an 84 and accept it. and im letting it happen. since when do i do this? back in st lawrence, i'd freak about something under a 90. And no people, its not the same excuse that high school's naturally harder. its not. i can feel it, that i could do it if i set myself to it. and its frustrating, yet I can't not do this, not be this way. I get 70s regularly. not cool. the juniors in the class do better than i do. yes, this pisses me off lol. I know i can do it.. ive gotten to this point before. End of junior year i just blew everything off. fucking stupid. i barely got into AP this year.. i technically shouldn't have but Mr. cappello sort of snuck me in under the wire, i think, cuz i missed the cutoff. He must be certain i can do it... so am I, its just getting to the mindset where i can isn't coming to me anymore. i get distracted too easily, im not concentrating on it, and so when i do i'm usually so tired it doesnt make sense. I make stupid mistakes, and get careless, and havent done regular essential practice homework in at least 2 months.
wtf? since when am i like this?
idk.. sometime over the last year i started to blow it off and gradually my standards started sliding, and i kind of just let them. when did this become okay? maybe it was APUSH that screwed me up... I just literally couldnt sit there and memorize the damn book... I'm fundimentally opposed to those kinds of classes, yet there i was. No APgov this year, at least. or APlit. I dont have anything against the people who are taking them; i respect them for that. I just could never do a year of that again. some people can. some people are happier just memorizing stuff given to them rather than having to work out a whole new concept. I'm one of the latter. I like to... no, need to work everything out, to see where its coming from, how it relates to things, what end its going towards. then I do best.
getting back to math, in this even. When a teacher or book tries to just teach a new concept for the sake of doing it, its pointless to me. I need to see where we can apply it, why we should waste time doing this harder way when the example problem could be done so much quicker the old way. Then when they finally show us the real reason we had to learn it, its so much better. It has a use now. Not like memorizing... that's a dead end when taken on its own value alone. Learning should aim to ready people to teach themselves from now on. I do okay at independant study.... if i stick with it. I hardly stick with anything. teaching myself, starting projects... half the clutter in my room is stuff i started and had to stop and never got around to finishing. some of it feels like theres just not enough time. i do too much, or (more likely), dont manage time well lol. but whatev, different problem.
Maybe.
On that note, i guess, I waste so much time. I know i do. whether its online or reading (which i just finally started making up time for... addicted to Frank Herbert's Dune... which is awesome, btw). or doing anything else that wastes time that im good at. Ive gotten frustrated in calc a number of times lately, and been swearing ill come home and actually do the problems for a change and learn it. Nope, not happening. all the frigging little things just add up. plus i rationalize with myself. its despicable sometimes lol. so i need to learn more discipline, i guess. i can do it sometimes, i feel it. just not often enough, just not at the right times.
And i think maybe if i plan out each day with what i have to do and should do and dont have time to do i'll get it done... but i tried that, and it wasnt so much a failure as a mistake. I overestimated what i could get done, and it just fell apart from there. So i need to work on keeping track of time and what i can do.
And them sometimes I get to thinking, if you have every moment of your life planned out, and don't get out of line with the regiment, how is that living? And then i rationalize that thought even... because there are some times you have to take away the spontaneity and suck up to the facts that things need to be put in order.. its like a sort of martial law, a discipline you put yourself under when its necessary. and thats what I lack, i think.
So now i have a new years resolution. stop punting everything for school. stop all the crap till i can live with myself and my fucking calc grade and everything else falls into place and I can tie up all these damn loose ends and unfinished business I leave around. I could never commit suicide, i know that. I cant seem to finish so many thigns, but it pissed me off so much that they're unfinished, and they have to be finished the way i have in mind if i started it, that I would never leave them for someone else to worry about.
Wow, talk about punting... there goes another half hour of study time.
...
On a brighter note, i got the second box of telescope parts today ^_^
posts about that coming... sometime between now and when i start building it.
So thanks for sitting here through that, and letting me get that all out finally.
And if you'll excuse me, I have to go and relearn a month of APcalc. Yeah, i'm cool like that.. let's see if i can do it lol.
\V/ peace and long life
1 comment:
congratulations, my babe. believe it or not, you have reached the next level in high school education. you have realized that you have been in school for fourteen years of your life. and you're finally grasping the concept of just how long an amount of time that is.
in addition, your thought process is actually infinitely better than you're giving yourself credit for. you want to learn things to KNOW things, not to get a grade on a piece of paper. do you remember that brown essay of mine that you read? how i talked about learning to work hard on my assignments for what i could take away from them and use in my life, not for what grade they'd give me for college. it's a beautiful concept to get ahold of.
and hey, i was the same way as you in saint lawrence. and i'm the same way as you now. it's OKAY to get C's! seriously. you don't have to get straight A's. it's not ABOUT that. you're not going to remember the nights you spent writing those papers. but you'll remember the fun times you had in high school, i know you will, because half of the, i'll be remembering with you.
you've got the concepts down, love. you see what it's all about, the big picture. now you've gotta get over the guilt, take a deep breath, see that you are not the person you used to be, embrace yourself for who you are now (a unique individual whom i absolutely adore), and go forward in your new sandals.
<3 nya
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